Actually Attainable Lockdown Lifestyle Targets

Well, Fiona, we’re all delighted that at last you’re getting on with your novel, and you’re really enjoying homeschooling the kids, and you’ve started up a YouTube channel for your amazing household tips, and you’re healthier than you’ve ever been, what with the fasting and the daily yoga and the low impact aerobics and the daily run, but fuck me, let’s see if you could do this for more than six months. Let’s see you do this for more than a year, on universal credit…

This isn’t a productivity competition. There is no need to do anything more than get through to the next day with your sanity semi-intact. Do you know what a ‘keener’ is, Fiona? Were you one at school, too? Making it hard for us all sat at the back, whilst you were busy being best friends with the teacher, letting our small but real achievements pass unnoticed. Just like at school, just like at work, just like now, there is no level playing field, and all persons are not judged equally. But every achievement is worth celebrating, and I’m here to tell you which ones are the actually important ones.

Getting out of bed. Well, it doesn’t really seem worth it anymore, does it? What are we getting up for? What are you going to do? Think of excuses not to zoom your work colleagues again? Put the bins out? You did that yesterday. Just finding the spark to keep going and get up some days can be really hard, so every time you do manage to do it, you get a gold star! The sunshine helps, and the fact we can still go outside — if you’re sensible. Zooming and video chatting can be really good too, especially if you vary who you’re chatting to. Carrying on with the basic minutiae of life is important, and can give a sense of structure to your days that can help you feel less cast adrift. Don’t feel that you’ve failed somehow if you do need to take a day off and stay in bed though. Everyone needs some time to themselves, and some total rest. Looking after yourself is vital, too.

Getting dressed. Or partially dressed. No one is checking you’ve put a bra on. And ok, I may be wearing pyjamas right now. But I got dressed yesterday and the day before. In real clothes, not just flopsy clothes too. I brushed my hair and I plucked my eyebrows and now I’m a goddess of beauty and refinement. I feel like I should be on the cover of the Lockdown Times. You don’t have to get dressed, not if you don’t feel like it today. Just getting up is enough, after all. But if you can, some days, you’ll feel more yourself, and more able to achieve a little bit extra, even if it’s just sitting on your doorstep, smiling at strangers.

Not crying. This is a good one. It’s so easy to get overwhelmed, to accidentally catch a glimpse of the news, or of Michael Gove’s face, or to remember the last time you saw your friends, to need a hug, to see a kitten meme, or the classic, start crying for no reason at all. And it’s ok to cry. It’s ok for men to cry. Everyone should take the time to have a damn good cry, because this is a fucking tragedy we’re living through. But no one should be crying every day, or lying awake crying all night. There’s all things in moderation, and then there’s time to call your doctor. If your mood has seriously plummeted and you are crying too much, likewise if you genuinely can’t get out of bed, call your doctor. GP’s are still there, and ready and waiting to help you. Occasionally being overwhelmed is ok, so long as there’s an end to it, so long as it isn’t every day. Nothing drove me to tears today, and it feels good.

Making food. I don’t mean learning Cordon Bleu cookery or competitive sourdough baking, or going through Mary Berry’s entire oeuvre on a day by day basis. This is why there’s no flour left for us mortals, people. When we no longer know what month it is, never mind what day or what time it is, when there’s no one there to judge or check on us, hell yes, we can eat what and when we like. Some days that can be crisp butties, or pasta and mayonnaise, pot noodles or twiglets and icecream. At the moment it’s important to not go shopping every day and use up what we’ve got in our cupboards, after all. But you can also go through your freezer and make a massive pot of vegetable soup that’ll keep you going for days, and you’ll feel really chuffed afterwards. It may not be soup weather, but we’re British, dammit, we live on soup. You can always portion it up and freeze it if you can’t face eating the same thing day after day. Or try making something simple and comforting like a ragu to go with your pasta — again you can make loads and freeze it, so you don’t have to worry about the effort if you’re just cooking for one. Buy some pre-rolled pastry and creme fraiche and make a pie. Just mix a filling together in a pan, whatever you fancy — maybe chicken and asparagus, or mushroom and broccoli — stir in the creme fraiche, and stick it in a dish wrapped in pastry. Bake it in the oven til it’s golden brown. Make a big chilli, either veggie or con carne. It’ll get better if it sits in the pot for a couple of days. You can have it with wraps or baked potatoes too. Or as a Mexican lasagna layered with tortillas and sour cream and cheese. You don’t have to do it every day, of course. Maybe only once a week. But it can help you feel good and it doesn’t have to be anything complicated, although making bread can be excellent for working out any unresolved anger issues you may have,

Not drinking. Well, not every day. Not before noon. Not if you don’t get up before noon. And not then counting down the hours until you can drink, either. That’s when you definitely need a day off, or maybe even two or three. A beer or a gin or a glass of wine is an excellent way to unwind and de-stress your mind, but it’s very easy to find yourself doing it every day, and having one more, because, well, why the fuck not? You don’t have to get up in the morning, after all. No one cares how bleary your eyes are now you’re furloughed, But each day, it takes a little bit more to get that same buzz. Same with a nice toke of smoke. You’re not going into work, so it doesn’t matter what day it is, or if you did it yesterday… But it’s so easy for an occasional indulgence to become a habit, and by the sound of the communal glass bin outside our back yard, there’s a whole lotta recycling going on. Have a couple of early nights. Save your strength to enjoy the late nights all the more.

Communicating with the outside world. Ring your mum. Zoom your brother. Post on insta. Rant on twitter. Ask reddit a question, then rant on twitter about the answers. Blog. You can even post on facebook if you really want to. It’s so easy to get stuck inside our own heads, and forget that the whole world is still out there, and carrying on just as it ever did, and all the people in it are just trying to get by too. Most of them are dying to hear another human voice or see another face. If you can reach out, be the one who reaches out. If you can’t do it quite so directly, posting on insta or twitter or facebook can be a good first step. There will be other people feeling like you that you can connect with. Share what you’re feeling and how it’s affecting you. You can also try connecting more directly by venturing outside, if you can. My whole world is my front step, because we are fortunate enough to have a house with a little front garden, and our road is on the way to the park. Lots of people, and especially young families, walk past in the nice weather that we can say hello to and our dogs can wag their tails at. But you may be in a flat with no balcony or a room in a shared house on a street you don’t feel comfortable on. You may not even be able to take a walk, in which case, I refer you back to zoom and video chatting. You have friends out here, all over the world. Go to other places through your screen. Go to parties. Dress up. Do quizzes. Be silly. Sing. Make new friends. Go on dates. Be there for each other. Look round each other’s homes. We have this technology here for us, and we are so lucky to have it. Make the very most of it.

Be kind to yourself. Sounds so simple, doesn’t it? But actually, genuinely doing it is really hard to get right. Appreciating yourself, stopping being critical, letting the past go, and forgiving yourself are quite profound, and things that we all often struggle with every day. Practising self-kindness can make a huge difference to your wellbeing, your mood and your ability to get through the days. But you don’t just have to love yourself, you have to like yourself; you need to be your own friend. Find your inner child, because only you truly understand them and what they have been through. Only you can reassure them and comfort them, and give them the love they need. You’re doing ok, you’re trying your best. You are loved and needed. Things will get better, too. I love you, and I believe in you. I know you can keep going.

These may all seem like much smaller achievements than starting your own small batch gin distillery or setting up an artisanal jam making business, or home schooling your children so hard that they’re all advanced an extra year and they’ve done so much Joe Wicks they’re trying out for the Olympics, but in the long run, we’ll see whose sanity is intact at the end of this, and whose isn’t. Yummy Mummy burn out is so going to be the next big thing. And I’m excited for all the lockdown breakdown haircuts we should start seeing soon. Be smart guys. Shave your heads. You know it makes sense. There’s no need to compete, or even to try too hard. Just do your best at living your best life, and being yourself, because that will always be good enough. No one can do anything better than that.