How To Be Happy
Reasons to be cheerful in the midst of chaos
I keep getting recommendations for articles like this. And it’s not like I don’t want to be happy, but they all seem to want me to do the same things: Get a new job! Eat more healthily! Exercise more! Remove toxic people from your life! Throw away your clutter! Restyle your wardrobe! Redecorate your home! Sleep better! Learn to meditate! Sign up for our happier living course…
Well, yes. Thanks for that. Apart from lecturing me and making me feel doubly inadequate, a lot of that simply isn’t achievable for a lot of people, for all sorts of reasons.
And frankly, none of it is going to make you happy, anyway.
Of course, I get that it’s useful to look at your life, and see what might be making you unhappy. Maybe first, if you are also feeling tired, listless and bleak, go and see your doctor. If you might actually be depressed, you should really address that before anything else. And if you don’t feel comfortable seeing your doctor about something like that, get a new one – it’s really easy, I promise.
If you’re unhappy in your job, that’s going to have a pretty profound effect on the rest of your life. But with so many people out of work still – whatever the government says – it’s not always possible to change your job just like that. Most of us work because we have to, in jobs we need. But so many ‘get happy’ articles advise people to change jobs or even careers. ‘Do what you love!’ they say, as if we all wouldn’t be doing that if we could.
“There’s a horribly smug underlying assumption that everyone who is reading along is obviously comfortably within a certain income bracket…”
What you can perhaps do instead is make your job more tolerable. Joining a union is always a good start, and there is one for almost everyone. USDAW are an excellent union for a wide range of workers, as are UNITE. They’re brilliant resources for working conditions, arbitration and workers rights in general. It’s worth whatever the monthly cost is to have someone on your side, whatever happens.
It doesn’t hurt to keep your eyes open for opportunities to make a change, even if it’s within your current organisation. If there is one person in particular who is making your working life miserable, cultivate time with people who aren’t them, especially people who are on an equal or better pay grade than they are, if you feel they haven’t your best interests at heart. And find yourself an anonymous internet group or Reddit forum to let off steam, or, safer still, just to read about other people in your position. Knowing that there are other people going through the same shit as you can be really comforting. Maybe you’ll find out how you can make changes in ways you didn’t know were available, too.
“Having plenty of money definitely won’t guarantee you happiness, but not having enough money almost certainly won’t bring any joy. God bless the child who’s got his own, like the song says.”
Or maybe you don’t even have a job. That’s where this ‘advice’ gets really patronising. Because whilst happiness is the one thing money can’t buy, a lot of the things Happiness Lists recommend seem to depend a lot on having a certain amount of disposable income. Being able to buy a range of fresh, healthy produce every week, gym fees, and even sleeping better may be out of the reach of someone out of work. Never mind home improvements and new clothes. I’ve no idea the last time we bought clothes that were actually new. I mean, have you seen what they cost!? Hell’s teeth.
There’s a horribly smug underlying assumption that everyone who is reading along is obviously comfortably within a certain income bracket, and thereby dismissing anyone without that level of privilege as apparently not entitled to happiness. Hey, never mind. Try the meditation, and better luck next lifetime!
“Maybe that’s what makes us happy; knowing there’s always someone worse off than us? That would be very British, if it wasn’t actually called schadenfreude.”
Happiness is what we’re all striving for but remains the one thing money can’t bring you. But you’d never know that by the way everything around us is trying to sell us happiness at any price. Everywhere you look you are encouraged to keep spending until you have to start borrowing, and goodness that’s very small print for such a large %APR. Even if you had money, the pursuit of happiness can easily leave you with less than none. Having plenty of money definitely won’t guarantee you happiness, but not having enough money almost certainly won’t bring any joy. God bless the child who’s got his own, like the song says.
Still, newspapers and magazines are full of stories of the rich and famous being miserable and unhappy. There are whole shelves of bookshops dedicated to books about celebrities’ sad and entirely fucked up lives. We do love to know how terrible everyone else’s lives are, no matter how wealthy and successful they might otherwise be. Maybe that’s what makes us happy; knowing there’s always someone worse off than us? That would be very British, if it wasn’t actually called schadenfreude.
“Everything bad from Pandora’s Box can be flourishing all around us, but we manage to keep battling along, whistling a merry tune…”
But of course that isn’t it. Because that doesn’t really make us happy, does it? Sadness doesn’t really cheer us up. What we actually need is the happy ending, because what we really love is the underdog winning through, and overcoming all that adversity, and getting their kids and career and lovely home back in the end.
What we love about those stories is the ever present hope of the denouement. That’s where the enjoyment lies, in the anticipation of the pay off. We only like stories with proper happy endings, where justice is done, the Princess gets her Prince, Lassie comes home, the farm is saved, the fever breaks and everyone has A Nice Cup of Tea.
Everything bad from Pandora’s Box can be flourishing all around us, but we manage to keep battling along, whistling a merry tune, because we know what remained hidden in there; the hope for tomorrow.
That’s how we get through each day. No matter how shit, how fucking awful a day it might be, it always ends. And if it’s as bad as it can get, then it can get better. It can always get better. The past has gone, the future is yet to happen, and there’s nothing you can do about either of them. Just deal with right now, and do the best you can with that, and remember that there’s always some hope left over for tomorrow.
So, what can you do to be happy?
Once you’ve ruled out all the bullshit and not actually given up hope, there is one quick, simple trick to help you find happiness – just be kind. It might sound unforgivably trite, but it’s honestly the only thing that’s pretty much infallible. Whether you want to follow the Random Acts of Kindness ethos, or are able to go the whole way to being actively kind to yourself, this is actually the key to feeling and spreading happiness.
Try telling a stranger you like their hair (without being creepy, obv), or looking out for ways you can step in and help someone, or even just anonymously brighten someone’s day in some small way. The joy they feel reflects back to you, and makes you happier, too. It’s an actual win win, when so much around us is lose lose.
Once you start doing things, and finding things you can do, you start to enjoy the feeling you get more and more. You get to feel good even if you don’t get thanked, even if what you do isn’t initially noticed, even if no one ever knows it was you. You still get to be happy, and to carry that with you, day by day.
Even better, the happiness you’ve given goes with that other person, and spreads further outwards again. We’re social animals, and if you make someone else happier, not only do you make yourself happier too, you also make society happier as a whole.
So I believe this is the answer to how to be happy. To try to have some hope for the future, to try to be kind, and to not be too hard on yourself in the process. You’re still here, you made it through another day, and that takes effort, more than most people maybe realise.
Keep at it. You’re doing great, sweetie.
