Like a Nail in the Head
Have you tried hitting it with a hammer…?
There’s a classic psychological example of a couples dilemma often referred to as “It’s not about the nail”. In it, a woman has a large nail sticking out of her head, and goes to her partner for advice. The trick here is, the advice needs to not be about the nail, it needs to be about what her problem is. She needs to be heard.
It’s a lovely thought experiment, and it teaches us not just about nails in the head, but about how hard it is to give good advice to the person, not our interpretation of the situation, and actually listen well to other people when they need us, and put their needs exclusively first. They are coming to us for advice, so obviously they want to hear what we have to say, right?
Nope. They just want to be heard. They often don’t even want us to fix anything, unless that’s what they are actively asking us to do. Most people just want to be listened to, and told that their feelings are justified and valid. You can end up expending a whole lot of energy trying to mend problems for someone who doesn’t even want you to get involved in their issues, at all, and you both end up exhausted and uncomfortable and cross without knowing why.
Active listening techniques are brilliant ways to help not just other people but yourself too. I think we’ve all been in a situation where we’ve tried to fix a friend’s emotional crisis and just ended up exhausted and pissed off with each other. And it’s always tempting to respond to someone’s tale of woe with the time you did something like that too – only yours was worse, of course. Surely that will make them feel better? Knowing it could always be worse?
Well, no.
They need this moment to be about them. They want to talk about their problems, not hear your story for the sixteenth time, actually, Jan. It’s their turn to have the attention, if you can bear to give up the spotlight for a bit. Your job is just to stroke their hair and supply snacks and gin, and look suitably aggrieved on their behalf.
The only time that sharing a tale of mutual angst is really useful is in diffusing anger. Use it to great effect on trolls. It can throw them every time if you can find a shared experiences, especially if it involves children. It’s their one weakness. Then go straight to the active listening. You can convert people this way, if they are actually up for reasoned debate.
So, in conclusion: If a friend or loved one has a nail in their head; don’t go straight for the hammer or pliers. Empathise. Don’t pull the bastard thing straight out or drive it in. Don’t assume you know how they feel. And then maybe take them to A&E whilst having a chat about their solo DIY projects…
