Psych

On being fucked about with, and head-fuckery in general…

I’ve been rather ironically in two minds over writing about the letter alluded to in the post I recently made, titled ‘Whichever Comes First’, following my utterly dreadful psychiatry appointment. It’s obviously quite personal and mentions in some detail things I wouldn’t usually write about, even in intimate conversations such as this. However since a lot of it is bare-faced lies, I’m not all that bothered, to be honest. Hence including its mostly unredacted self here – apart from when it mentions others.

“Please, if you’re a good psychiatrist, consider coming to Manchester. People need you. I think the admin staff would buy you a cake every week if you’d simply promise to work your notice…”

What I will say is yes, I am complaining, yes I have a slightly shorter and slightly less sweary official draft ready to go, and yes, I would still appreciate any and all advice on how to proceed.

For anyone who didn’t read my previous post, and my much earlier post about my hypomania, I had an extended episode in late January of this year that my GP diagnosed as hypomanic. This fitted neatly in with the bipolar diagnosis I’d received from psychiatry, when I was first referred three years ago. My doctor referred me for an urgent early appointment following this episode, but appointments being like gold dust, nothing had come through before my scheduled appointment in July.

I had always imagined that Manchester, being a large and important city, would have a well-funded health service and a well staffed one too. I thought that the worst areas for mental health would be rural areas or more deprived inner cities, but it turns out that Manchester is absolutely shite. I’ve seen six different psychiatrists, and four or five have all been locums. Out of those, I’ve only seen two more than once. The second I saw, I saw for ten minutes, they asked me why my doctor had referred me, and then told me that anxiety and depression weren’t serious conditions, and that their service was only for people with serious mental health conditions, and she was discharging me back to my own doctor. All this whilst I was sobbing as I tried to describe how desperate I was for help. So that was great.

One I turned up to see to be told that they were really sorry and they’d been trying to call all the patients because the doctor had left, so I never saw that one at all. This last one, who wrote my letter, seems to have left similarly abruptly, as my wife had a phone call to cancel her appointment two days following, to say they’d just found out he was leaving, and were very sorry, but this was all the notice they’d been given.

“The next paragraph says that we discussed if this was me returning to my premorbid state. This would be more my going, ‘excuse me WTF?’”

Please, if you’re a good psychiatrist, consider coming to Manchester. People need you. I think the admin staff would buy you a cake every week if you’d simply promise to work your notice…

Anyway. The last psychiatrist I saw was one of the ones I’d managed to see more than once, and the one I had a shit appointment with in July. It was the worst one I’d had so far, and so I was waiting for the follow up letter to decide once I’d received that, what I would say when I complained – but it never arrived. Having found out he had actually since left, I asked my doctor if she’d received a copy, and she had, dated the day after my appointment but not sent out until three weeks later.

It was spectacularly awful.

So much so it ended up triggering a vestibular migraine that sent me to A&E.

It starts out well enough, carefully not describing my previous phase as hypomanic but just as ‘high’, and then goes on to say that my behaviour in January became more impulsive and reckless and that it included ‘drinking until I passed out’.

I may have had issues around alcohol in the past, but they have never included doing this, and I never said I did this, and I resent having it on file that I did this, frankly. For fucks sake. I think the phrase I used out loud on reading it was, ‘How fucking dare you…’

It goes on to say that ‘I believe she was reviewed by her GP who was concerned she might be experiencing a hypomanic phase’. No shit, Sherlock. But what a way to cast doubt on it again, when my GP wrote with that exact diagnosis following the bipolar diagnosis from this team at the Rawnsley… And yes, we did then decrease the meds that he had increased, and that had potentially triggered this episode. Actually, thanks for spotting that.

It states here at the end of the page that I was aware that none of this was normal for me. Yep. Exactly so. But then he goes on to completely ignore this fact and dance all over it…

The next paragraph says that we discussed if this was me returning to my premorbid state. This would be more my going, ‘Excuse me WTF?’ I was as very clear then as I am now that that whole episode was nothing like my premorbid state. That’s why I went straight to my GP. I wouldn’t have gone if I thought I suddenly felt well again. I was very unwell indeed. Gloriously so, but nothing like my normal self in any way. I do indeed have a ‘long history of feeling depressed,’ but that doesn’t mean anything other than that is therefore my ‘returning to my functional state’. And quite why it seems unlikely I’d be suffering from bipolar simply because I’m no longer hypomanic is beyond me.

We did discuss that impulsivity and recklessness might be more in keeping with emotionally unstable personality traits, and it was at this point that the situation began to feel like gaslighting.

The next two paragraphs are very much random information that I reported. I’ve had some stress, it’s hard to cope, I don’t sleep well, my energy is low, I am anxious and can have panic attacks.

The following paragraph then goes onto things that I simply didn’t say, but have somehow been extrapolated. Things that aren’t true: I have an unstable self image; I have a difficult relationship with my wife, and have reportedly been increasingly impulsive. I am ‘bouncing off the walls’ which is just not a phrase I would use, and having a range of emotions secondary to my ‘ongoing psychosocial stressors’. I’m not even sure exactly what that means, but I’m pretty certain that I don’t. My self image is very stable. It can be poor, because I’m frequently very depressed, but it remains solid as a rock. My wife and I remain each other’s best friends throughout this, When not in the previous hypomanic phase I’m the least impulsive person in the world and I’m hugely flat and depressed otherwise, although starting to come out of it a bit. I’m anything but ‘bouncing off the walls’ and I never have.

The final paragraph entitled ‘Impressions’ mentions cycling emotions again, and he did indeed keep mentioning emotions. He wanted to know if I was angry with other people, with my situation, my wife… I don’t get angry, I struggle to process anger, and he kept pushing at this to the point I became really very distressed and genuinely could no longer speak or deal with what he was asking me. I remember shutting down and having to sit with my eyes closed, unable to get words out at all, I was so upset. There may have been hand flapping.

None of this is mentioned in the letter. What is mentioned is what seems to be the wedged in criteria for an EUPD diagnosis – which I do not fit. Do they get a bonus for getting a certain number checked off a month? Is that it? It makes no sense.

He asked me if I’d heard of Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder, and I hadn’t. I’d heard of Borderline, though, and I’ve read about how lots of girls on the ASD spectrum get misdiagnosed, too. But I stil don’t fit the diagnostic criteria, however much he tried to force me into it. Jesus, it was horrendous. I came out of there shell shocked.

I’m glad he’s left, but not if he’s gone on to practice elsewhere.

So yeah. Psych.

Here’s to better luck next time!