TORY TOP TRUMPS
The game we all lose, no matter who wins!
6 min readJun 10, 2019
Jeremy Hunt
- Best known for: Fucking over junior doctors and fiddling his expenses
- Background privilege level: Very High – Charterhouse, then took PPE at Oxford, tried several failed start ups, worked in PR, before selling his directorship for a fortune and then becoming an MP in 2005. Family is related to Oswald Mosley
- Net worth: £14 million
- Pro Brexit stance: Former remainer, described No Deal as ‘political suicide’ but won’t rule it out either 4/10
- Voting record on human and LGBTQ rights: Mostly good on LGBTQ rights but poor on human rights 4/10
- Recreational drug use score: 1/10
- Traditional Tory bastard score: 6/10
- Electability: Party 4/10 Country 0/10
- Most likely to be brought down by: Needing hospital treatment
- Secret superpower: In running for most hated man in Britain. Can alienate any group of people in record time.
Esther McVey
- Best known for: Misleading Parliament over Universal Credit and supporting protests against LGBTQ lessons
- Background privilege level: Upper average – Proud of her ‘Liverpool working class’ roots, actually went straight from university to directorship in her dad’s major construction company, and then worked in tv before becoming an MP
- Net worth: Unavailable
- Pro Brexit stance: Keen to crash out with No Deal 10/10
- Voting record on human and LGBTQ rights: Abysmal 1/10
- Recreational drug use score: Unknown
- Traditional Tory bastard score: 5/10
- Electability: Party 3/10 Country 1/10
- Most likely to be brought down by: Utter incompetence
- Secret superpower: Looking like a normal person
Rory Stewart
- Best known for: Smoking opium and not holding his own phone
- Background privilege level: Ridiculous – Son of a diplomat, studied at Eton before taking PPE at Oxford. Was part time tutor to Princes William and Harry. Worked in foreign office, army, diplomacy and travel. He’s been featured in Time and been the subject of a play, there is even rumoured to be a film being made of his life.
- Net worth: £1-£5 million approx
- Pro Brexit stance: Soft Brexit, does not believe in either No Deal or a second referendum 1/10
- Voting record on human and LGBTQ rights: Positive on LGBTQ rights but variable on human rights 6/10
- Recreational drug use score: 9/10
- Traditional Tory bastard score: 1/10
- Electability: Party 2/10 Country 7/10
- Most likely to be brought down by: Foreign agents
- Secret superpower: speaks 10 languages, skilled in martial arts, fencer, walked across Afghanistan, rumoured to have been in MI6…
Boris Johnson
- Best known for: Being a racist, idiotic, incompetent, national embarrassment
- Background privilege level: Stupid – Eton and Bullingdon Club, failed journo
- Net worth: £2 million
- Pro Brexit stance: Leaving, deal or no deal 9/10
- Voting record on human and LGBTQ rights: Poor on LGBTQ rights very poor on equality and human rights 2/10
- Recreational drug use score: 5/10
- Traditional Tory bastard score: 7/10
- Electability: Party 5/10 Country 5/10
- Most likely to be brought down by: being allowed off-script for five minutes, enraged husbands, prosecution
- Secret superpower: staying out of prison this far
Dominic Raab
- Best known for: Too many ‘aaa’s, failed Brexit secretary
- Background privilege: Average Law and then the Foreign Office, worked with The Hague on convicting war criminals
- Net worth: unavailable
- Pro Brexit Stance: Staunchly pro, will No Deal if necessary. Suggested prorogueing parliament to get it. 9/10
- Voting record on human and LGBTQ rights: Good on LGBTQ, but poor on equality and human rights 4/10
- Recreational drug use score: 6/10
- Traditional Tory bastard score: 6/10
- Electability: Party 5/10 Country 4/10
- Most likely to be brought down by: Feminists
- Secret superpower: Old fashioned Anti feminism
Michael Gove
- Best known for: Spending the taxpayers money on overpriced furniture, being incompetent, doing a Jeremy Hunt to the Education System before Jeremy Hunt did it to the NHS, being married to Sarah Vine
- Background privilege level: Low to self-made – Oxford, then journalism and tv. Admirer of Rupert Murdoch. Became MP in 2005
- Net worth: £1 million plus
- Pro Brexit stance: Doesn’t want No Deal, but doesn’t rule it out 5/10
- Voting record on human and LGBTQ rights: Good on LGBTQ rights, poor on human rights 5/10
- Recreational drug use score: 4/10
- Traditional Tory bastard score: 7/10
- Electability: Party 6/10 Country 2/10
- Most likely to be brought down by: His wife
- Secret superpower: His wife
Andrea Leadsom
- Best known for: Being a mother
- Background privilege level: Average – Grammar school then political science at Warwick. Banking and finance then an MP from 2010
- Net worth: unclear
- Pro Brexit stance: Wants to leave with a plan, but also considering prorogueing to get it. 8/10
- Voting record on human and LGBTQ rights: utterly dreadful. 1/10
- Recreational drug use score: 3/10
- Traditional Tory bastard score: 7/10
- Electability: Party 6/10 Country 2/10
- Most likely to be brought down by: Not quite being Margaret Thatcher
- Secret superpower: Having had children
Sajid Javid
- Best known for: Shiny head, admirer of Thatcher
- Background privilege level: Man of the people – Son of a bus driver, he studied economics and had a stellar career in banking before becoming an MP in 2009
- Net worth: £8.5 million
- Pro Brexit stance: Former remainer, but would oversee a No Deal exit 6/10
- Voting record on human and LGBTQ rights: good on LGBTQ rights but poor on human rights 5/10
- Recreational drug use score: 0/10
- Traditional Tory bastard score: 4/10
- Electability: Party 4/10 Country 3/10
- Most likely to be brought down by: Racists
- Secret superpower: Power stance
Matt Hancock
- Best known for: Having an app
- Background privilege level: Ordinary – School in Cheshire then PPE at uni, worked for the family computer business before going into banking and then became MP in 2010
- Net worth: unknown
- Pro Brexit stance: Will not consider leaving with No Deal 1/10
- Voting record on human and LGBTQ rights: Good on LGBTQ rights, poor on human rights 5/10
- Recreational drug use score: Unknown
- Traditional Tory bastard score: 4/10
- Electability: Party 4/10 Country 3/10
- Most likely to be brought down by: Being Matt Hancocked
- Secret superpower: Matt Hancock: The App
Sam Gyimah
Oh no! He’s withdrawn from the contest since it turns out he’s just not a horrific enough human being to lead the Conservative Party!
Mark Harper
- Best known for: employing an undocumented immigrant when immigration minister, hostile environment vans
- Background privilege level: Ordinary – Comprehensive school, PPE at Oxford, accountancy, MP in 2005
- Net worth: unavailable
- Pro Brexit stance: Open to leaving without a deal 3/10
- Voting record on human and LGBTQ rights: average on LGBTQ rights, poor on human rights: 3/10
- Recreational drug use score: Unknown
- Traditional Tory bastard score: 7/10
- Electability: Party 4/10 Country 2/10
- Most likely to be brought down by: the hostile environment
- Secret superpower: appealing to the old guard
